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Little Red Riding Belt

 

A martial arts fairy tale

 

 

 

One day her master said to Little Red Belt:

 

"Come, Little Red Belt, take these bricks and boards and bring them to the grandmaster. He's bored by the training course, and this will cheer him up. Get an early start, before the new class begins, and when you're out in the woods, be nice and good and don't stray from the Do, otherwise you'll fall and all your practice was in vain, and  the grandmaster will get nothing. And when you enter his dojo, don't forget to say Oss, and don't go punching at all the makiwaras."

 

"I'll do just as you say," Little Red Belt promised her master.

 

Well, the grandmaster lived out in the forest, half an hour from the multipurpose hall, and as soon as Little Red Belt entered the forest, she encountered the antisensei. However, Little Red Belt did not know what a wicked sort of a charlatan he was and was not afraid of him

 

"Oss, Little Red Belt," he said.

"Thank you kindly, antisensei."

"Where are you going so early, Little Red Belt?"

"To grandmaster's."

"What are you carrying under your gi?"

 

"Bricks and boards. My grandmaster's bored, and yesterday we went to the hardware store so it will help him get happy."

 

"Where does your grandmaster live, Little Red Belt?"

 

"Another quarter of an hour from here in the forest. His dojo is under the three big punching bags. You can tell it by the makiwaras," said Little Red Belt.

 

The antisensei thought to himself, "This young beginner is a juicy morsel. She'll do me even more favors than the old master. You've got to be real crafty if you want to rip them both off." Then he walked next to Little Red Belt, and after a while he said:

 

"Little Red Belt, just look at the members of the fun-budo club practising all around you! Why don't you look around? I believe you haven't even noticed how lovely they are doing their kiais. You march along as if you were going straight to school, and yet it's so delightful out here in the woods."

 

Little Red Belt looked around and saw how they were dancing through the trees back and forth and how beautifully sloshed they were. So she thought to herself, If I bring grandmaster a bunch of them, he'd certainly like whooping their asses. It's still early, and I'll arrive on time. So she ran off the path and plunged into the woods to look for frolicking budokas. And each time she catched one, she thought she saw another even more decadent one and ran after him, going deeper and deeper into the forest. But the antisensei went straight to the grandmaster's dojo and knocked at the door.

 

"Who's out there?"

"Little Red Belt. I've brought you some bricks and boards. Open up."

 

"Just lift the latch," the grandmaster called. "I'm doing push-ups and can't get up."

 

The antisensei lifted the latch, and the door sprang open. Then he went straight to the grandmaster without saying a word and shut him in the locker room. Next he put on his gi and his belt, and drew the curtains.

 

Meanwhile, Little Red Belt had been running around and looking for romping martial artists, and only when she had as many as to fill up an entire club did she remember the grandmaster and continue on the way to his dojo again. She was puzzled when she found the door open, and as she entered the room, it seemed so strange inside that she thought, "Oh, my God, how frightened I feel today, and usually I like to be at grandmaster's." She called out, "Oss!" But she received no answer. Next she went in and drew back the curtains. There stood the grandmaster with his gi pulled up over his face giving him a strange appearance.

 

"Oh, grandmaster, what bad stance you have!"

"The more comfortable to feel."

 

"Oh, grandmaster, what slow techniques you have!"

"The less strain to get."


"Oh, grandmaster, what weak kime you have!"

"The better to avoid sore muscles."

Grandmaster, what a terribly big stamp you have!"

"The better to promote you with!"

 

No sooner did the antisensei say that than he jumped at her and promoted poor Little Red Belt to green belt. After the antisensei had satisfied his desires, he assembled his minions, positioned himself in front of them, and began to show off very loudly.

 

The karate-doctor happened to be passing by the dojo and thought to himself: "The way the old grandmaster's talking crap, you'd better see if anything's wrong." He entered the dojo, and when he came to the training room, he saw the antisensei bungling around.

 

"So I've found you at last, you old sinner," said the karate-doctor. "I've been looking for you for a long time."

 

He wanted to call the CSIs, and then it occurred to him that the antisensei could be holding the grandmaster prisoner and that he could still be saved. So he did not call but took some scissors and started cutting apart the antisensei's grading licence. After he made a couple of cuts, he saw the little red and green belt shining forth, and after he made a few more cuts, the girl jumped out of the training group and exclaimed:

 

"Oh, how frightened I was! It was so terrible in the antisensei's class."

 

Soon the grandmaster came out of the locker room. He was completely pissed off and could hardly restrain himself. Little Red Belt quickly fetched some large graduation certificates, and they filled the antisensei's ass with them. When he noticed it and tried to run away, the certificates were too heavy so he fell down at once and died.

 

All three were quite delighted. The karate-doctor took off the gi and the belt from the antisensei and went home. The grandmaster broke the bricks and the boards that Little Red Belt had brought, and soon he was happy again. Meanwhile, Little Red Belt thought to herself, "Never again will you stray from the Do by yourself and go to the fake martial arts when your master has forbidden it."

 

 2006 TDI

 

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