Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our
guest X, chairman and coach of
the football club ***.
X, lately your club has
been increasingly criticised.
One cannot please
There is an internet site dealing with
the current state of football in general and with your
club in particular.
There are many sites in the
To be specific, it is the Football-Doctor
Those people are crazy
Your personal integrity and technical ability
are doubted not only
Whoever claims such a thing, should have a look at
my personal diplomas and
Which you received from an association
equally questionable as
This is the worst defamation of
Can your activities be called football at all
Certainly, we are an established football club,
and we do have very high standards.
How does this manifest itself
Our scoring records speak for themselves.
Your last match ended 97:86, and final scores in
the three-figure range are no
This is due to the exactness, strength, and
exceptional technical skills of my people.
The sports press attributes this to the special
form of your goals. They span the entire width of the field and
are as high as a two storey building. Is this still football ?
Yes, of course. The foot,
the ball, and the goal, all are present, and everything keeps on
Let's consider the term foot in football. It seems
that you are not very particular about it. In reality the ball, or
should I rather say the balls, will be played using the hands
Um, well, yes, this stresses the deep
spiritual component. The term foot in football originally stems
from the word food and means that the important thing is to feed the
ball to the goal, no matter how, and this traditional mindset has to
be brought back to public
Certain ideas are associated with football,
and you don't live up to
The regulations of the past were completely
arbitrary. So, one cannot say that what was earlier is right and
that I am wrong.
In the past you tried to get a foothold in real
football but eventually failed
Our work with youngsters is quite elaborate, and
that is also important for
Then you realized that your present scam goes down
well with a certain audience.
Many people love to come to our events, and there
are always helpers.
Let's take a look at the modified set of rules.
Offside is when the distance between two players is less than
That's right. In the past,
many people were deterred by the physical confrontations.
Those people could practise something different
No way! They want to play football, and football
will go down unless adapting to the
Worth mentioning are your kind of free kicks and
penalty kicks. Obviously there is no defensive wall and no
That became necessary in order to relieve the
players' psychological tension and to prevent
I wonder what might happen if your football
players encountered traditional ones.
Well, it is
very important that people join the club and then stay there at
there are also yellow and red cards, which you call motivation
tickets. They contain witty wisdom and entail no
unimaginable to caution or send off anybody. That will only cause
stress. It is of utmost importance to integrate as many people as
What you are practising
might be regarded by some people as a kind of entertaining physical
exercise. But why do you misleadingly call it football ? How
about using a new name reflecting the true nature of the whole
We are a football club, and as such we are
officially recognised by the national
A caricature shows your
people kicking at a goal with a huge funnel mounted in front of
it. Does this indicate a further looming innovation
This is complete baloney. It
would be much too
Finally we would like to
hear a comment on the rumour that the balls are going to be
replaced by canvasback
Anyone who doesn't like
it in my club can always
Many already left, and
we do understand why. Let's now turn to our next topic.