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Pimp my Dojo

 

 

Hi, I am X, and this is my dojo. I started training when I saw this movie, and I thought it should be cool and kind of fun. So now I've been nearly one year practising, and I know that something's going *** wrong here. I mean, they expect you to come in time and then stay the whole class, and there is no break and no nothing drinks allowed.

You see, people are told to put off their jewelry. They even invented oppressing club rules and put them on display. Any bit of talking is

forbidden during training, and that is doing me no good for my professional communication skills.

One of the worst things is the floor. It is so hard it always makes the feet ache. It should be fun everything, but I'm really ***. It is so horrible.

And you know what, I am scared because I should have my belt examination, but they actually let people fail if they are not good enough.

Something's got to change. So please: Pimp my Dojo !

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OK, that looks really awful, let's go get him. ... Hi, X, ...

 

Oh no, noo, noo, noooo, that is, I cannot believe it. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaah !!!

It's you, Grandmaster Budopimpa FstarCK ! Yes, yeeeeeees !!

 

Yeah, and now we will pay a visit to the hall of dullness and horror.

X, you just stay away for a while, and we will pimp your dojo.

 

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Since this is a budo club, I asked the guys from the anti-association to

give us a hand, and they got lots of experience in pimping even the most traditional martial arts.

 

First, we got to get rid of the source of evil, the instructor. He is more like

a fountain of evils. Look at that. It seems as if these poor students are synchronized machines, no music, no snacks, no breaks, no chatting, no personal outfit. This is so dull and boring. This would do justice to some *** sweat shop. Even watching these *** repetitions and people getting exhausted is humiliating. Look at that fighting and hardship. They are actually somewhat crashing into each other. What are these people up to ? Now, what is that, oh no, no ! No way, this has to change.

 

So, let's start. I've got a mission to put the art back into martial art.

It willl be one *** tough job, but we are going to pimp this dojo.

 

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Today we expect X to experience his new dojo for the first time. When I saw the old dojo, my first thought was 'wreck the *** place and run away'. But we promised to pimp it up and this was a really great challenge.

 

Hi, X.

 

Hi guys.

 

OK, X, come in and check it out.

 

Oooooh, ja, ja, ja, this is sooooo hot, I don't believe it. You painted the whole gym in metallic colors. That is great !

 

And that's not all. Here they come, a training group in their new outfits matching the gym's paint job.

 

Wow, that is way sick ! No more depressing all white stuff. I adore these screaming colors. It also kind of fits to their earrings and bracelets.

 

Bling, bling.

 

X, each training jacket contains a pocket with an MP3-player and earphones. And here is you personal new dress. You see the vamped up club logo embroidered on it ?

 

Fantastic ! What is it ?

 

It's been custom designed to reflect the new attitude. It's a kitten with a joystick. It symbolizes the blend between old and new traditions.

 

This is unbelievably cute.

 

X, on the collar of your jacket is a small microphone, which is connected wireless to some amps in the background. We powered the system up with 12000 watts for the ultimate pimped over kiai. That's the pure mental energy of what the budo thing is all about, and the whole room is equipped with 94 high-performance speakers.

 

You even put little colored belts around them. That is amazing.

  

Let's walk around a bit. You feel it ?

 

Yes, it feels sort of soft, like, oh, it's the new marshmallow floor cover.

That is awesome.

 

No more heat on the feet.

 

Now behold what's up there where the dire dojo rules used to hang.

 

Is this a ... ? Yes, it's a coffee machine and a soft drink vendor - that's pure magic - but we are not allowed to use it - unless ...

 

You ain't never seen that - your new instructor Z - and he is introduced by - guess who - it's the local antisensei, and here he comes.

 

Hi X, this is Z, one of my students and a genuine master of my style. We taught him everything we know, and he will act as we would.

 

Antisensei is specialised in gutting martial arts - abandon repression and let the good mood in.

 

I am so happy and relieved. That is what I always dreamed of to be the real thing. It's marvelous ! 

 

Take a closer look at the walls.

 

This is terrific. You put speed limit signs on it and also keep distance warnings. That's so tight.

 

Yeah, when I watched your old training, I noticed all the bruises and contusions, and it made me wonder: "Is this the art in martial art ?"

From now on, the only time you see red, green, black, and blue colors is when mixing some liquors from the bar.

 

What bar ?

 

Remember the curtain ?

 

Sure, behind it the makiwaras are stored, for punching, kicking, and causing mindless pain. It's right up there and - wait - it's new, it's blue velvet. That is *** incredible.

 

Indeed, we use the curtain to separate the exercise section from the chillout area. We call it area 51 because its philosophy is 50 drops of liquor for one drop of sweat. That's the real budo spirits.

 

And now enter your private haven of tranquility. You gonna love it. A first class recreation zone with DVD player, 222 inch LCD screen, and relax seats in front of the playstation - for the real action.

 

We already installed a fighting simulation. It's one kind of a game.

Just watch the monitor.

 

Now that's what I call realistic. Oh, the guy jumping and kicking looks like me; you gave him my looks.

 

Yes, we used the latest technology to sample and render your appearance. It's your personal avatar. You can control all movements. Try it.

 

Cool, that is fun.

 

X, look what's going on in the gym.

 

What is it ? Wuaaaah - that is not possible - it's me in the middle of the floor, doing all these crazy things from the screen - did you clone me ?

 

No, not yet. This is the ultimate in holographic projection. When you feel like taking some time off from the usual stuff, you can retreat here and practice.

 

Actually, it's natural evolution. It's the next step in martial arts, liberating the mind from the shortcomings of the body. With your holographic self you can do what you want to do and express your real inner life.

 

I'm blown away, this is all so authentic as in my dreams. I heard of
lots of literature about martial arts, and this is the true budo spirit.

Thank you, masters antisensei and FstarCK.

Thank you so much for pimping my dojo.

 

Wait, it's not over yet. We always save the best for last. Imagine what it might be ? What is it you always were afraid of ?

 

The rank exams with those original guys from the dreadful past.

 

Don't look back. Here is our surprise. Antisensei, please give us the honors.

 

Sure. I would like to award you your first grade. You put so much effort in everything, and that has to be rewarded. And to motivate you to stay in the dojo and keep on, I give you the next rank, too. Here is your new belt. Enjoy and have fun ! 

 

Yes, yes, yeeeeeees !! Thank you all so much, you really saved my martial arts career.

 

Rock on. When we came here, your dojo was sorta masochists fight club, guilty of comitting heinous style crimes in the art of martial art, but we transformed it and reinforced the way. So you are now officially pimped up.

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It's unbelievable. It gave me a completely new perspective. Some time ago,

I wanted to quit and maybe change to some other modern martial art like aerobics, but now I want to practice and become a master myself.

The girls are much more interested in me when learning that I am pursuing my black belt. It even made me gain respect from the people of the neighborhood watch.

Thank you, Grandma FstarCK, for pimping my dojo.

 

 2006  HAW + TDI

 

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