Pimp my
Dojo
Hi, I am X, and this is my dojo. I started training when
I saw this movie, and I thought it should be cool and kind of
fun. So now I've been nearly one year practising, and I know that
something's going *** wrong here. I mean, they
expect you to come in time and then stay the whole class, and
there is no break and no nothing drinks
allowed.
You see, people are told to put off their jewelry. They
even invented oppressing club rules and put them on display. Any bit
of talking is
forbidden during training, and that is doing me no good
for my professional communication
skills.
One of the worst things is the floor. It is so hard it
always makes the feet ache. It should be fun everything, but I'm
really ***. It is so
horrible.
And you know what, I am scared because I should have
my belt examination, but they actually let people fail if they are
not good
enough.
Something's got to change. So please: Pimp my Dojo
!
.
.
OK, that looks
really awful, let's go get him. ... Hi, X,
...
Oh no, noo, noo, noooo, that is, I cannot believe
it. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaah !!!
It's
you, Grandmaster Budopimpa
FstarCK ! Yes, yeeeeeees
!!
Yeah, and now we will pay a visit to the hall
of dullness and horror.
X, you just stay away for a while, and we will
pimp your
dojo.
.
.
.
Since this is a budo club, I asked the guys
from the anti-association to
give us a
hand, and they got lots of experience in pimping even
the most traditional martial
arts.
First, we got to get rid of the source of
evil, the instructor. He is more like
a fountain of evils. Look at that. It seems as if these
poor students are synchronized machines, no music, no snacks, no
breaks, no chatting, no personal outfit. This is so dull and
boring. This would do justice to some ***
sweat shop. Even watching these *** repetitions and
people getting exhausted is humiliating. Look at that fighting and hardship. They are
actually somewhat crashing into each other. What are these
people up to ? Now, what is that, oh no, no !
No way, this has to
change.
So, let's start.
I've got a mission to put the art back into martial
art.
It willl be one
*** tough job, but we are going to pimp this
dojo.
.
.
.
.
.
Today we expect X to experience his new dojo
for the first time. When I saw the old dojo, my first thought
was 'wreck the *** place and run away'. But we
promised to pimp it up and this was a really great
challenge.
Hi, X.
Hi guys.
OK, X, come in and check it
out.
Oooooh, ja, ja,
ja, this is sooooo hot, I don't believe it. You painted the whole
gym in metallic colors. That is great
!
And that's not all. Here they come, a training
group in their new outfits matching the gym's paint
job.
Wow, that
is way sick ! No more depressing all white stuff. I adore
these screaming
colors. It also kind of fits to their earrings and
bracelets.
Bling,
bling.
X,
each training jacket contains a pocket with an MP3-player and
earphones. And here is you personal new dress. You see the
vamped up club logo embroidered on it
?
Fantastic ! What
is it
?
It's been custom designed to reflect the new attitude.
It's a kitten with a joystick. It symbolizes the blend between
old and new
traditions.
This is unbelievably
cute.
X, on
the collar of your jacket is a small microphone, which is
connected wireless to some amps in the background. We powered the
system up with 12000 watts for the ultimate pimped over kiai. That's
the pure mental energy of what the budo thing is all about, and the
whole
room is equipped with 94 high-performance
speakers.
You even put little colored belts around them.
That is
amazing.
Let's walk around a bit. You feel it
?
Yes, it feels
sort of soft, like, oh, it's the new marshmallow floor
cover.
That is
awesome.
No more heat on the
feet.
Now behold what's up there where the dire
dojo rules used to hang.
Is this a ... ?
Yes, it's a coffee machine and a soft drink vendor - that's pure
magic - but we are not allowed to use it - unless
...
You ain't never seen that - your new instructor Z
- and he is introduced by - guess who - it's the local
antisensei, and here he comes.
Hi X, this
is Z, one of my students and a genuine master of my style.
We taught him everything we know, and he will act as we
would.
Antisensei is specialised in gutting martial arts
- abandon repression and let the good
mood in.
I am so happy and relieved. That is
what I always dreamed of to be the real thing. It's
marvelous
!
Take a closer look at the
walls.
This is
terrific. You put speed limit signs on it and also keep distance
warnings. That's so tight.
Yeah, when I watched your old training, I noticed
all the bruises and contusions, and it made me wonder: "Is this
the art in martial art ?"
From now on, the only time you see red, green,
black, and blue colors is when
mixing some liquors from the
bar.
What bar
?
Remember the curtain
?
Sure, behind
it the makiwaras are stored, for punching, kicking, and causing
mindless pain. It's right up there and - wait - it's new, it's blue
velvet. That is ***
incredible.
Indeed, we use the curtain to separate the
exercise section from the chillout area. We call it area 51 because
its philosophy is 50 drops of liquor for one drop of
sweat. That's the real budo
spirits.
And now enter your
private haven of tranquility. You gonna love
it. A first class recreation zone with DVD player, 222
inch LCD screen, and relax seats in front of the playstation -
for the real action.
We already
installed a fighting simulation. It's one kind of a
game.
Just watch the
monitor.
Now that's what I call realistic. Oh, the guy
jumping and kicking looks like me; you gave him my
looks.
Yes, we used the latest technology to sample and
render your appearance. It's your personal avatar. You can control
all movements. Try
it.
Cool, that is
fun.
X, look what's going on in the
gym.
What is it ? Wuaaaah - that is not possible - it's
me in the middle of the floor, doing all these crazy things from the
screen - did you clone me ?
No, not yet. This is the
ultimate in holographic projection. When you feel like taking some
time off from the usual stuff, you can retreat here and
practice.
Actually, it's natural evolution. It's the
next step in martial arts, liberating the mind from the shortcomings
of the body. With your holographic self you can do what you
want to do and express your real
inner life.
I'm blown away, this is all so authentic
as in my dreams. I heard of
lots of literature about martial arts, and this is
the true budo spirit.
Thank you, masters antisensei and
FstarCK.
Thank you so much for pimping my
dojo.
Wait, it's not over yet. We always save the best
for last. Imagine what it might be ? What is it you always were
afraid of ?
The rank
exams with those original guys from the dreadful
past.
Don't look back. Here is our surprise. Antisensei,
please give us the honors.
Sure. I would like to award you your
first grade. You put so much effort in everything, and that has to
be rewarded. And to motivate you to stay in the dojo and keep on, I
give you the next rank, too. Here is your new belt. Enjoy and have
fun !
Yes, yes,
yeeeeeees !! Thank you all so much, you really saved my martial arts
career.
Rock on. When we came here, your dojo was sorta
masochists fight club, guilty of comitting heinous style crimes in
the art of martial art, but we transformed it and reinforced the
way. So you are now officially pimped
up.
.
.
It's unbelievable. It gave me a
completely new perspective. Some time
ago,
I wanted to quit and maybe change to
some other modern martial art like aerobics, but now I want
to practice and become a
master myself.
The girls are much more interested
in me when learning that I am pursuing my black belt. It even made
me gain respect from the people of the neighborhood
watch.
Thank you, Grandma
FstarCK, for pimping my
dojo.
© 2006 HAW +
TDI | |